this is a private diary and i wish to keep it that way. i was stupid just now and i almost told everyone about my secret blog. luckily i realised it in time, otherwise i would be in deep trouble. anyway, i hope this diary will never be discovered or unearthed by anyone i know; it should just be secluded at an isolated corner of the internet realm. most people wouldn't think that i have a blog because i closed my previous two blogs a long time ago. i told myself that i would not create a new blog, but here i am creating a new blog to express my feelings and thoughts. it just seems that there are a lot of things to remember and a secret blog would be just great.
school has started for about three weeks now and my class is quite nice. well, most people in my class think that we are bonded and all, but from my definition of bonded, i still think we have a long way to go. 4sy is just uncomparable.
everything is new and i am adapting to my changes, i thought i was doing fine until today.
7 of my class people stayed back to design some CNY stall banner; 3tchs guys and 3nygh gals and of course, me, being the odd sc girl there. at first, i thought everything was going to be ok, but i guess not. i am now feeling guilty and i am starting to have second thoughts about myself and how well i thought i was fitting in and all. nope, it is definitely not the culture shock i am suffering from, chinese isn't very foreign to me.
just now my other classmates kept suan-ing kevin and yifang, i mean, i am not saying that it is bad or anything, but they kinda kept harping on private jokes that i didn't understand. i don't think they realised that i felt left out or anything, neither do i think that they were doing it on purpose. i really don't wish to mention names. huizhong is super nice and i mean super nice.
i am starting to wonder.. are things going to remain like this? the enthu people belong to those two schools, and the rest are just laid-back and reserved. where should i stand? i feel more comfortable with the quiet people, but at the same time, i wish i could share the enthu people's jokes.
i was pondering just now on the bus ride home. where exactly do i belong? where should i stand? i mean.. in sc, i didn't belong to just one clique, i belonged to a lot of cliques and i was dedicated to all of them and of course, i loved them all. i really miss all of them and i wanna get back together with them, away from whatever there is now. i really miss you guys. although i still see you around i school sometimes, it just isn't like old times when we would hang out together and chat and laugh like mad. now, we only have time for a few words, to exchange how we are getting along and all. time is an obstacle and so are the people around us.
having guys in my class is fun, but i would much prefer not to have them. habit? maybe. i miss the days where we could just talk loudly over girls' stuff and laugh without having to consider the opposite gender. i doubt i will ever get used to talking to a group of guys, i just don't feel like talking when there are so many guys. i mean, talking to just one guy is totally fine with me, but once there are a few, it is a totally different matter. am i just weird?


*********